Giving a Pill

Mutant cat from Hell

Mutant cat from Hell


How to give a Cat a Pill

1. Pick up cat and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby.  Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cats mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand.  As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth.  Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa.  Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm, holding rear paws tightly with left hand.  Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger.  Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe.  Call spouse in from the garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees.  Hold front and rear paws.  Ignore low growls emitted by cat.  Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth.  Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail.   Get another pill from foil wrap.  Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains.  Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit.  Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans and drink one beer to take taste away.  Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour’s shed.  Get another pill.  Open another beer.  Place cat in cupboard, and close door onto neck, to leave head showing.  Force mouth open with dessert spoon.  Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges.  Drink beer.  Fetch bottle of scotch.  Pour shot, drink.  Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot.  Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect.  Toss back another shot.  Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire brigade to retrieve the cat from the top of the tree across the road.  Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat.  Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Using heavy-duty pruning gloves from shed, tie the little !&#%’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table.  Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak.  Be rough about it.  Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of scotch.  Get spouse to drive you to the hospital.  Sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye.  Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Phone Vet to arrange two weeks of daily appointments for mutant cat from hell.

Dumb Dog

How to give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.

2. Toss it in the air.

3. Say “Good dog!”

19 responses to “Giving a Pill

  1. Sweetie – we’re laughing our fool heads off here – How to Pill a Cat is so super funny. Of course they must be talking about some other cats besides you and I – we’d never act that way!! he he

  2. LOL I´m a fortunated huMum, if Janis needs a pill – she sometimes need some antacid – I crash the pill, mix it with water and stir it in her food. If she refuse to eat it, well, I just have to wait … somewhen she´s hungry enough 😉

  3. My Mom cried the 1st time she had to give pills to my OTRB sisfur Cozzie – her & dad just couldn’t do it. Had to make a trip to the vet for a lesson….Sadly for Luna & me she has figured it out & has no problem pilling us. But it takes BOTH of them to do it! MOL!
    We kittehs are so much smarter than our hoomans! *High paw*
    Luv you Jessie & HuMum! ((HUGS))

    • TY for coming to visit my Bloggy Lily! We certainly ensure our staff are aware of our dislike of medication. My pet hate is the carry box, huMum uses garden gloves to get me in it and I still manage to inflict a few scratches.
      Love you Lily and your Mom!

Always be delighted to hear from you, xxx's

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